Don't Let Me Get Me

♫ Don't let me get me. I'm my own worst enemy. It's bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating. Don't wanna be my friend no more, I wanna be somebody else. ♫

This past weekend I went to NY to attend my friend's wedding. I've known Alissa since middle school. She is one of the few friends from my childhood that I still keep in touch with. Alissa is really good about staying in touch with her friends, which is why her wedding was like the high school reunion we never had. I had so much fun!

What wasn't fun was the week leading up to her wedding. Insecurity crept in like a thief in the night, stealing all my joy and any confidence I had in myself. 

I'm twice the size that I was in high school...Nothing looks good on me...Why do I STILL break out like a teenager?!

My anxiety was through the roof!

At least I knew my date was hot! #myhubbyisahottie 

But once I was reunited with my old friends, my worries faded away. I was reminded of how much I love these people and why we were friends in the first place! I hope it won't be another 15 years until I see them all again.

Unfortunately, insecurity doesn't just hang out in one area of your life. Nope. It has to work its way into everything to try and make you feel like a complete failure...

My best friend and her family are flying in from Indiana this evening to stay with us for a week. The stress of having my house ready was REAL. There are SO many projects that need to be done. So many messes that need to be cleaned. Every little thing that is wrong with our home was mocking me. I was up all night trying to clean and I felt like I got nothing accomplished. My husband lovingly tried to tell me that I was overreacting. Of all the people in the world, my BEST FRIEND is the last person I should be worried about impressing. She knows me better than anyone.

This morning I opened my kitchen cabinet and saw this mess... 

And that's when God gently reminded me of how blessed I am.

My negative thought: Everything in my house is messy and unorganized.  

My reality: I am blessed. Not only do we have food to eat, but there is often more than enough.

My cabinet looks like this because all my storage containers are different shapes and sizes. It takes time to organize and it's a pain to keep it that way because we are always using them for leftovers.

My negative thought: People think we're slobs.

My reality: I am blessed to have 3 curious, creative and adventurous boys. 

I'm always discovering new fingerprints on the wall, scribbles on the furniture, PlayDoh stuck to the floor... I try to clean it up, but it seems neverending. My boys have fun, get dirty, and don't just sit in front of a screen all day. (Trust me, they do get a lot of screen time. This is a judgment-free zone.) And when my friends come over, I often get compliments on how CLEAN my house is. Seriously. 

My negative thought: Our house looks disheveled because there are so many incomplete projects.

My reality: I am blessed to own a home in the city. I am blessed to have a husband who works so hard to provide for our family. I am blessed to have time together with my family because that is more important than X, Y or Z on our to-do list.

We've lived in our home for a little over 2 years. When we first moved in, my youngest was a month old. Six months later, my sister moved in with us. She just moved out last month, and my oldest son finally got his own room. There has been a lot of transitions in the short time we've been here. My husband works long days, sometimes 6 days a week. Any free time we have, we try to spend together.

I'm thankful that the Lord comforted me in the midst of my anxiety. I'm thankful for my husband who loves me, even in the midst of my crazy. If you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed- talk to God, talk to a friend, talk to me! Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad." Let's encourage and support each other!

♫ ♥ Ashley