If I could capture the feeling of a mother's sigh

♫ Then maybe so many others would sympathize. ♫

I said I was going to write more, and I haven't. I tried keeping up with my daily Bible reading, but I haven't. Without going to very personal things, there has been a lot happening since I last posted. Some good, some hard, but lots and lots of things. Some days I feel like I've got it together, but I really don't. I'm frequently reminding myself that it's ok, more than ok, to not have it together. 

I have a tattoo on my back of cross with the word charis (which means grace) and a reference to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

But Jesus said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I got this tattoo shortly after my husband was in an accident that forever changed our lives. We were newlyweds, just bought our first home, and were living far from family. My husband was in and out of the hospital, bedridden for weeks, in a wheelchair for even longer. He couldn't work and my income didn't pay the bills. God showed up in a big way and taught us that when we are weak, He is our strength. My tattoo was meant to be a daily reminder of His grace. Well, I should have gotten that tattoo on my arm- or my forehead! because somehow, I keep forgetting this simple and powerful truth. 

This is what forgetting God's grace looks like in my life:

Mom guilt. I need the power of Christ to raise my 3 boys into mighty men of God. When I don't rely on Him, I get annoyed easily and I end up reacting out of anger. Then I feel awful for reacting that way and I start thinking that I'm ruining their childhood. FYI: I'm not.

Setting the bar unrealistically high. I recently went to my first music educators' conference. I was a little nervous because I thought I was the only one showing up without a BA in Music Education and I was waiting for someone to call my bluff. I don't belong here. They're going to quickly figure out I don't know what I'm doing. I'm probably doing it all wrong.  Of course, that didn't happen. It was actually really encouraging. I discovered that I'm not doing anything "wrong", but I'm actually moving through things at a faster pace than what's expected. I have my kindergarteners doing things that others aren't introducing until third grade!! Amazingly, my students have been reaching these goals. (They are amazing!) The unfortunate part is that I've lost some of the joy in the process. I've crafted lesson plans with impressive learning targets to cover up the fact that I have a lingering fear of someone thinking I'm not cut out for this job. Instead of fear, I should be boasting in my weakness so that God can use my gifts and He will fill in the gaps.  

Not sitting still. My life is very busy. Raising 3 boys is a full-time job, but I also teach, serve in my church, and have a new LuLaRoe business. I don't mind working hard to support our family. But when I depend on my own abilities, I end up spending way too much time on all. the. things. instead of trusting God and asking Him to prioritize my time. When I depend on His grace, I can successfully parent, teach, having a thriving clothing business, be a good friend and an active part of my community. 

Checking out. It seems that the end result of "not sitting still" is crashing. I feel defeated instead of being content in my weaknesses. I end up sitting in front of the computer and completely ignoring what's going on around me. I feel overwhelmed and disappointed in myself. 

My favorite song right now is "Joyful Noise" by Hanson. It's been on repeat in my car. My boys know it and sing along. The Bible tells us over and over again to sing to the Lord and to make music to Him. As Bach said, "I play the notes as they are written, but it is God who makes the music." If God makes the music, then it's no wonder that music can have such an impact on us! 

I think resting in God's grace looks a lot like dancing to the music...

and I want to dance!  

♫ Everyone has struggles,

But when we block the music out they seem to double. 

Turn it up. Join the chord.

Go tell the doctor that it heals your soul.

Share the love. Make a joyful noise.

Dance to the music at the corner store. ♫

-Hanson

♫ ♥ Ashley