Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

♪I've come to talk with you again. 
Because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping 
and the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains 
within the sound of silence ♪

There are currently 6 people living in this house. And a dog. The house is never truly quiet and I am never by myself. Yet here I am, Day I-Dont-Even-Know of quarantine, and I feel so alone. There's a deafening silence in the midst of the chaos that fills my home. It's in the lingering silence that the lies start to whisper. 

You're not doing enough. 

            His joy has been stolen. 

                              He won't be able to catch up. 

                                                 You don't give them enough attention. 

                                                                          You won't be able to go back. 

With coffee in hand and cute clothes on, I try to stay busy and keep those thoughts at bay. Some days I survive hours, but some days it's only minutes before I'm shattered to bits. I cry, yell, fall to the floor, lay numb on the bed...it looks different every time, but eventually I start to pick up the pieces. God, how are we going to get through this? 

As a mom of 3 boys with very different personalities (Enneagram anyone?), I struggle to pull off distance-learning. In fact, I haven't even had one fully successful day where every child completed all of their assignments and attended all of their meetings. Thankfully, there is grace. Their teachers, who happen to be my coworkers and dear friends, trust my judgement of how much my boys can accomplish without me pushing so hard that they completely shut down. It's not easy. Today all they accomplished was reading a few books on Epic. We are on the struggle bus. My boys need more support than I feel like I can give them. I want to boost their confidence and promise that it will get better, to hug them more and yell less, but I often find I'm doing just the opposite.

As a music teacher, I struggle to come up with creative and fun ideas that keep my students engaged. I don't want to just give them busy work for the sake of checking Music off their list of assignments to complete. My students genuinely love making music. At school they are singing in the halls and dancing on the side yard. I don't want to take away that gift by making it feel laborious. But that's not the hardest part. What chips at my heart a little more and more each day is that I can't be with my students. We have so much fun together! Zoom isn't cutting it. This is where being a #nontraditionalmusicteacher is a disadvantage. I don't have a box of tricks to pull out. I struggled coming up with sub plans for 1 DAY of missed class. How am I supposed to come up with 12 weeks worth?

As a small business owner who works from home, I struggle with balancing my time. My phone is always in my hand or nearby. I'm constantly checking and posting on social media. Sometimes I'll be in a Zoom meeting while simultaneously posting on social media, editing my website, and responding to text messages. In quarantine it's easy to lose track of time. I end up working much later hours than I should or at times when I really need to be more present with my kids. My 4-year-old told me this afternoon, "No LuLaRoe today!" (as I was sorting leggings) "You have to have a break!"

Any one of those scenarios is challenging enough on its own. Put the 3 of them together, and it's insane. Oh, and I still have to take care of household chores, and I think I need to be at least a halfway decent wife...right?!? There's little time for anything else. I squeeze in phone calls, texts, WhatsApp and Facebook messages as much as I can, because I might die if I don't. I miss being with my friends. It's going to be full-on Trolls Hug Time when this over. 

In most situations, I'm pretty optimistic. #choosejoyspreadlove So, I feel I should share the good that has come from being in quarantine. 

Back when no one knew how long quarantine would actually last, my friend Sam came up with the #disneycoronachallenge. My parody of "Under The Sea" got over 11,000 views and 300 shares. (I'm basically famous! 😆) The sweet comments people left were so encouraging. It felt great to give back to the essential workers with that song, but that's not the only way I was able to give back. Through the #LuLaRoeCares program, I was able to give nearly 200 pairs of leggings to healthcare workers. One of my students also wanted to give back and came up with the idea of "Dimes for Doctors". She collected dimes from family and friends to donate to local healthcare workers. I was able to come alongside of her and donate 50 pairs of leggings to go along with her gift of dimes. 

My favorite thing about quarantine has been the time we've been able to spend together as a family. Don't get me wrong, we've been driving each other crazy! We've also grown closer and I think we understand each other a little better. The real miracle is that we got a solid 2 MONTHS of time with my husband. Steve is one of the hardest working people you will ever know. His job requires him to go to work early (before the rest of us are awake) and he comes home right around meltdown-o'clock. The boys gets to see him for about an hour before bedtime, and then if I'm lucky, I'll get to sit on the couch and watch a show with him before we go to bed. We were all in need of Daddy-time. He went back to work a couple of weeks ago, but I'm so thankful for the quality time we got with him and the memories we made. 

I don't know if things will ever go back to "normal". Perhaps, there's going to be a new normal. Different than before, but hopefully better. I'd like to think we'll come out of this having learned something about ourselves and others. Maybe we won't take so much for granted. Maybe our goodbyes will last a little longer, we'll hug a little tighter, we'll laugh a little louder, say "I love you." more often. That's what I'd like to think our future holds. But right now, it's hard and it sucks. It can feel scary and really lonely. No matter how dark it gets, you are not in this by yourself. We can and will get through this. So let's hold on to hope, together. 

♪ "Fools" said I, "You do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you" ♪

-Simon & Garfunkel